Friday, February 10, 2012

Nero had a neckbeard, that explains everything

He ruled with an iron fist ironically.
Nero wasn't just a tyrant and an evil bastard in general, but something worse: A HIPSTER! You know that apocryphal story of him playing a fiddle while Rome burned? It probably wasn't a fiddle, but dubstep! It's a good thing he committed suicide before he started building Starbucks and Whole Foods everywhere.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go into hiding, lest actual historians find and flay me alive for this post.

Picture via Wikimedia.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Your argument is invalid, so here's a picture of Greece's King George I's awesome mustache

You have to hand it to the men of the nineteenth century, they knew how to grow incredible facial hair. George I, King of the Hellenes (Greeks) was an interesting historical figure. First of all, he wasn't even Greek, but Danish. His predecessor Otto was likewise not Greek, but from Bavaria. Why was Greece ruled by two non-Greeks? Because Britain, France, and Russia said so. You see, Greece had for several hundred years been part of the Ottoman Empire. By the early 19th century, however, the Ottomans had weakened to the extent that the Greeks could rebel and a war of independence was launched.